Skin Deep

I have reached the age where I am collecting fewer Face Book friends and more medical specialists. These are the “friends” who charge you per visit.

I now have a dermatologist.

I have been told that I should consider myself lucky to have scored an appointment just two weeks after my referral.  Lucky was not what I felt yesterday as I was sitting stark naked in a small white examining room.

The very nice physician’s assistant had taken my information and left the room with this instruction, “take off all your clothes and put on this drape.” She promised that the doctor would be in to see me (all of me) in a moment.

As I reluctantly disrobed and placed my clothes on a hanger and hook, it occurred to me just how bizarre this whole experience was. Lucky? Naked and Afraid was more like it.

The so called “drape” was more like a paper tablecloth or a one-use toga for a fraternity initiation. It was not pliable enough to adequately wrap a frozen carp let alone a six-foot, 195-pound human being.

The “just a moment” waiting time turned into two, and then five.

When you are already afraid of what comes next, a delay is not what you need. Your mind begins to wander and slowly slips into the dark zone.

Abu Ghraib, The House of the Rising Sun, a lifetime of dreams where everyone else is dressed, but you are in your Birthday Suit (or naked as a jaybird, in the buff, buck naked, stark naked.)

I felt like Adam after the fruit salad.

To the question of whether God has a sense of humor, a friend once told me to take off all my clothes and stand in front of a full-length mirror. He said, if that isn’t proof that God is laughing, what is?

At long last, I heard the obligatory knock on the door (what is that all about?), and in came my female dermatologist and her female PA (aka, third-party witness to the examination). The thirty introductory quips that I had considered and rejected seemed even more inappropriate as I was shaking hands with my new specialist. “Excuse me if I don’t get up.” I couldn’t resist at least one.

HIPPA will not allow me to detail my examination, but it didn’t take as long as I had feared. The tools and industrial spray device she used on me are available at your local Ace Hardware in the paint stripping department. If you misplaced your discipline, these would work dandy.

Now we await some test results (the criminal forensics folks are faster) and look forward to another naked visit with two pleasant ladies six months from now.